I was just reading a September, 1987, article by Alfie Kohn, The Case Against Competition. Kohn suggests that competition is always destructive as it damages self-esteem, hinders performace, breaks down empathy, encourages hostility, fails to foster cooperative behavior, creates anxiety, and diminishes creativity.
I wonder how much Emma has been hurt, as a tennis player, by the insanity of intense competition. I've certainly seen Kohn's concerns play out. Most of my family's interactions with other parents, coaches, and players have been overwhelmingly positive and we've made some wonderful friends through the sport, but we've also witnessed some very bizarre, toxic, and downright abusive behavior. Every athlete and sports parent has a few war stories.
Here are my "toxic parent" stories ...
Crazy Mama: Emma, at 14, was in the midst of winning an easy match. A friend of ours stopped by to watch and announced loudly -- and rather tactlessly, given that Emma's opponent's mother was sitting nearby --"Well, this match is completely one-sided!" This appeared to trigger Crazy Mama, who had been noticeably irritable and hostile even before the match started. Shortly thereafter, this woman had a complete meltdown. She began shrieking hysterically at Emma, who was then up 4-0 in the second set, accusing her of making bad calls and yelling at her to "give up tennis." Craig (I wasn't there) was too stunned to respond to her but went to fetch the tournament director. Both the TD and other parents who had been watching said they had seen no bad calls. After the match, as Craig and the tournament director were discussing the incident, Crazy Mama ran after Emma, cornered her alone, and screamed invective at her. Hearing the fracas, Craig and the TD hurried to the scene, where Crazy Mama was bellowing to Emma that she should "Just give it up!", that she'd "never get anywhere," and that she'd "never catch up" with the top player in our section (which includes six states.) The only person unfazed by the shrieking banshee was Emma, who calmly advised her to settle down. The TD praised Emma for handling the situation with maturity and poise. Other parents who witnessed the incident said it was the worst case of parental bad sportsmanship they'd ever seen, apologized for being too taken aback to intervene, and offered to help us file a USTA complaint. Unsurprisingly, we later learned from several sources that this woman is widely known as an absolute wackjob. I hope she doesn't treat her own kid the way she treated mine😧
Angry Papa: We've had a father yell "Kill her!" to his daughter as she played Emma. The next time the two girls played, I decided to defuse his hostility early in the match. As Angry Papa became increasingly clamorous and aggressive, I went over to him and asked, "Are you L's dad?" He jutted his jaw forward, obviously expecting a confrontation. "Yes, I'm L's dad!" he growled. "Well, I'm Emma's mom. Pleased to meet you," I replied with a smile. I shook his hand politely and sat down right next to him. Angry Papa looked sheepish, a guilty expression that screamed "Busted!" crossed his face, and he didn't utter a sound for the remainder of the match.
Sour Mama: On another occasion, as I arrived for one of Emma's matches, her opponent's mother and a friend sniffed disdainfully and looked away. Sour Mama's friend had a face like a grouper -- reproachful, a downturned, dissatisfied mouth, an affronted and protruding lower lip, and colorless, disapproving eyes. Sour Mama appeared to be deeply offended. The two indulged in a steady stream of mean-spirited remarks about Emma that I was obviously meant to overhear. They were piqued by the red streak in her hair. When she showed mild frustration, they rolled their eyes and said, "I can't believe her parents let her behave like that." I can't believe their parents let them behave like that, but I endured their passive aggression in silence.
So that's the sum of our negative experiences with sports parents. 'Not too bad, really, except for Crazy Mama. Most of our tennis friends have seen worse. One was physically threatened by a tennis dad who was irate about his daughter's loss. Another dad almost got into a physical confontation when a father insulted his daughter and accused her of cheating. This girl attends a tennis academy in Florida, where cheating, bad behavior, and fraught, stressed-out parents and kids seem to be the norm. Florida is awash with failed pros trying to redeem their careers through their children.
I don't know of any kids who have behaved as badly as these parents, although Emma has had to put up with her share of cheaters. Sometimes they have tried to change the score on her ("What do you mean it's 5-2? It's 3-4!") or have made obviously bad calls. I think the kids are sometimes overwrought or confused rather than mendacious. One girl, who thankfully graduated high school and went off to college some years ago, was notorious for protesting her opponents' every call. She could usually be heard, even from several courts away, passionately shrieking and objecting throughout every match she played, whoever she was playing. Playing Emma on one occasion, she suddenly erupted, when Emma called a ball out, with "That ball was on the line! I saw it! I saw it clearly RIGHT. ON. THE. LINE!!!" She stormed over to Emma's side of the court and pointed triumphantly to a mark on the clay. "SEE. THERE!!! ON THE LINE!" "Are you sure that's the mark?" asked Emma. "Yes, I didn't take my eyes off that point from the time the ball landed," she professed indignantly. "I agree with you. That's where the ball landed," replied Emma, "but you are aware that that is the doubles line?" That meant the ball was not only out, but 4.5 feet out! The girl realized her mistake and became flustered and defensive. "But ... I'm sure ..." She looked frantically for a mark on the singles line. There was none. Eventually Emma just gave her the point to get the match going again.
The coaches are not always above reproach either. They will sometimes play mind games or illegally coach their students during a match. One, a high school coach, blatantly "fixed" his high school tryouts to give his private (paying) student a preferred position on the varsity team. Coaches at a certain Florida academy tell their students they need to hate their opponents. "If you can't find anything about the other player to hate, try to hate her shoes," they advise. I am so grateful that all of Emma's coaches have been outstanding human beings and worthy mentors.
There have been many positive aspects for Emma in terms of tennis. Above all, she has made wonderful friends of all ages and met some incredible people who have guided and encouraged her. She was recruited to play for several very nice colleges. She'll be playing for one in the fall, and she already has a college "family" there in the coaches and the team (she met most of the people on both the men's and women's teams over two visits to the school). Her life will be enriched by traveling around the country for tournaments. She has become physically fit and healthy, despite suffering through several injuries. She has gained mental strength, focus, and a deeper understanding of herself. On the whole, and despite some significant negative experiences, I would say tennis has had a positive impact on her life. If one enjoys the game and can keep the competitive aspect in context, perhaps competition is not always toxic ...
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